Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned
by Queen of Nutism
Summary: This is basically a story ridiculing Harry Potter so die-hard fans you can't say I didn't warn you. It probably doesn't need to be r-rated but there is some swearing and a possibility of a sequel. This is just meant to be light-hearted and fun, please R


Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned 

Hello all you crazy munchkins out there, this is meant to be a non-serious, spoof on Harry Potter. If you are a die-hard fan you may want to look elsewhere for entertainment on the other hand if you want some light handed entertainment please read on. Also please take the time to click the blue button at the bottom left of your screen, to be more specific, CLICK THAT GODDAMN REVIEW BUTTON AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! This is probably gonna be a one-off thing coz I'm feeling quirky today but you never know...

I'd like to dedicate this to the girl who was creative enough to think of the title for me but if she just came across it on the friggin internet I take that dedication back.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter you crazy FBI people or the English equivalent who will come after me if I claim I do own Harry Potter and all the other crap that goes with it.

It was a lovely sunny afternoon and Harry, Hermione and the other one were lazing about in the courtyard.

Harry: I'm really worried Hermione, nearly half a year has passed and I still haven't done something extraordinary to save the whole school from undeniable doom.

Hermione: Don't be stupid Harry, that doesn't happen until at least 220 pages into the book you've still got plenty of time.

Ron: Yeah, you've got plenty of time.

Hermione: No one asked you! You're just there to make stupid faces and the occasional odd remark.

Ron: Sorry (Ron's head droops)

Hermione: Damn straight you are!

Harry: Stop fighting guys, look who's coming. (Harry nods in the direction of a gang of Slytherins) Come on, let's go over and pick a fight with them so we end up in Snape's office then McGonagall comes and saves our butts just in time.

(The three kiddiewinkles get up and walk over towards Cranco Malfoy)

Cranko: Insert insult here

The red head: You have no right to insult these people who pretend to be my friends just so there's another dorky main character. You asked for it.

(Ron takes crappy wand)

(Cranco takes out his top-of-the-line wand imported over from some country where slave labour is legal)

Harry: No Ron, stop it!

Ron: But Harry, I'm meant to protect you, screw it up, then you finish him off whilst the girl nurses me.

Harry: Oh, sorry, carry on then.

(Ron raises his wand again)

Ron: Insert spell name here.

(Ron doubles over in pain)

Harry: Ron what's the matter?

Ron: (winces) I dunno Harry, but...but

Harry: But what?

(Cranco is shitting himself laughing)

Ron: Harry...I think...I think...

Harry: Jesus Christ, how many lines is he meant to stutter for whilst pulling ridiculous faces?

Voiceover: Why about 10 I believe

(Ten lines later)

Ron: I think...I think I just cast the Nutcracker spell...but it backfired.

(Malfoy falls onto the floor laughing whilst Pothead cringes)

(Harry takes out his wand, which is equally as valuable as Malfoy's)

Harry: Alright Cranco, you asked for it.

Cranco: Ooo, what is 'ickle Pothead going to do?

Hermione: Don't listen to him Harry just cast a fucking spell.

(Harry starts shaking)

Harry: I can't take it any more (collapses onto his knees) I need to tell you something.

Hermione: Not now Harry cast the spell! CAST THE SPELL!

Harry: No! I need to tell you this. I can't hold it in any longer...I'm...I'm...

Voiceover: What is our hero's big secret? And why is he about to tell it in front of Cranco Malfoy? Is it because he is simply a moron? Or more likely, is it because the author needs a means for the villain to mock and ridicule Pothead for the remainder of the book? Find out when we return to Harry Pothead and the Philosopher's Stoned.

Harry: No! I need to tell you this. I can't hold it in any longer...I'm...I'm...

Hermione: We already no you're gay you stupid prat now, CAST THE FUCKING SPELL!!!

Harry: But...but...how?

Malfoy: Everybody knows you moron, Stumblebum posted it on the internet.

Harry: But...but...

Hermione: Come on Harry surely you knew that Stumblebum was nothing more than an old paedophile who had a crush on you.

Harry: But I...I trusted him.

Ron: Yeah and he posted pics of you on his website, 

Harry: How could he!

(By now Cranco Malfoy was sick of waiting for pothead to cast the spell and had wandered off)

Hermione: Don't get so worked up about it. We've all seen your dick, or should I say lack of, before, Stumblebum just decided he should take it one step further. That site gets a lotta hist you know. Everyone wants to see the-boy-who-cheated-death-coz-his-mother-was-moronic-enough-to-protect-him-in-the-face-of-death-when-really-if-she-had-half-a-brain-she-would-have-gotten-the-hell-out-and-left-the-whining-baby-to-die's faults. (Hermione looked down at the tiny bulge in Harry's pants giggled)

Harry: Well I'm going to go talk to Stumblebum right now. (He ran off crying to Stumblebum's office)

Ron: Should we follow him?

Hermione: No! You know how it goes. Only Harry is the one to be praised by Stumblebum and allowed into his office.

Ron: Sorry (Ron hangs his head in shame) Well then, what are we gonna do about my nuts?

Hermione: Don't kid yourself Ron, what nuts? (Walks off leaving Ron clutching his broken balls)

Ron: Hey, what's that supposed to mean? (Ron starts to cry.)

(Harry is standing out the front of Stumblebum's office about to say the password)

Harry: Stumblebum and Pothead for ever (the door opens and Harry wipes the tears from his eyes)

Stumblebum: Why hello Harry, come in (Stumblebum points Harry in the direction of a large bed). What seems to be troubling you?

Harry: (sniffs). Why'd you do it?

Stumblebum: Why don't you take off some of your robes? You look awfully hot and flustered. (Helps Harry take off his robes.)

Harry: Why'd you put pics of me on the internet?

Stumblebum: Say it to the camera Harry. (Points to a vase with a lens poking out)

Harry: The whole school has seen my...you know...coz you posted it on the internet. You said I was special. (Harry starts to cry)

Stumblebum: That's why I did it, because you are special. You are very unique and between you and me, my favourite student at Hogwarts, just like your father.

Harry: You mean you posted him on the internet too?

Stumblebum: No, no. The internet wasn't around then. I used to send his picture to magazines.

Harry: Really?

Stumblebum: Yes really. Now let's have some fun to cheer you up.

Harry: Ok

Voiceover: So Stumblebum continued to molest Pothead and to post nude pics of him on Harry defeated Lord Coldsore once again making him the hero. All the teachers got so sick of Hermione that they all lobbied together to have her sent to a psychiatric facility for a lobotomy so she wouldn't be such a smart arse know-it-all. And the other one, well after the Nutcracker spell he became Ronette and went out with Cranco Malfoy for a short period of time until it was found out that Cranco too, was gay thanks to 

Well, how'd you like that? Slightly strange, sick, disturbing but hey, that's just me. Anyway let me know how I went as this is my first HP fic. As I said this was meant to be a one off but if there's enough demand I may write another.

Thanx, From the Queen of Nutism, the leader of nutters everywhere. =-=


End file.
